How to Survive Super Bowl Week Part 2

The highlight of Super Bowl week is of course the Super Bowl party on Sunday. I know most of you just turned pale white and are desperately reaching for your bottle of Fiji water near your desk and are trying not to hyperventilate until you pass out. I’ll say it again. The highlight of Super Bowl week is the party on Sunday. You see, the second time your reaction was not as severe. I hear you saying to yourselves, “the magic paper was not so terrible, but the party is the worst day of the year”. The trips to the dentist, proctologist and the 5 year old’s four hour dance recital combined is less painful than the “Party”. Well the Sports Guru has a foolproof plan to get you to and survive the party.

Every year your brother-in-law Patrick invites you to his house to watch the game. The only thing you and Pat have in common is that you married sisters. You married the smart one and Pat married the better looking one. So what if your sister-in-law shows a little more cleavage and still fits into jeans that high school girls wear and the bikini still looks good on her after having four kids. You married the smart one. In previous years here is where you made mistake number one. You told Pat thank you for the invite and you and your sister-in-laws sister will try to make it to the party. Yeah you’re the last guy on earth who is going to keep sisters from visiting with each other. The second mistake you made in the past was that you arrived ON TIME. Super Bowls begin at around 6:30pm est and most invites say come at 5pm. You and Pat’s sister-in-law arrive at 5pm. The rest of the gang filters in after 5:30. Mistake number three, your wearing slacks and a button down shirt that makes you look like if you fell asleep in your clothes after the game, all you would need to do on Monday morning is tuck your shirt in again. But the biggest mistake you used to make on Super Bowl Sunday is that you are the guy who brings the vegetable dip in the bread bowl to the party.g36-breadbowlswdips

Now let’s review how you are going to be the hit at the party this Sunday. By now you have RSVPed to Pat that you and his sister-in-law are coming to the game. DO NOT SHOW UP AT 5pm.. As much as it might make your head explode, you cannot walk into until almost 6pm. Repeat it out loud right now almost as loud as when you chased Hank down the hall the other day. “DO NOT SHOW UP AT 5pm“. You see when you used to show up at 5pm you were “that guy” who took the best sit on the couch in front of Pat’s 60 inch flat screen with the 9 speaker surround sound system he has set at volume 17. The problem is that you made the real fans stand around until you snuck away from the game after the first Budweiser commercial never to return to the game. The real fans knew that you went into the kitchen and helped your sister-in-law with the ice and cutting the sandwiches and taking the mini hot dogs out of the oven. God do I hate “that guy”. I always wished “that guy” would get bit by Pat’s dog that was supposed to be kept in the backyard but you always opened the door to get more ice and let him in. Once the dog was in the house all the kids scream and the dog runs around trying to eat all the food and I can’t watch the game. Man a dog bite is not bad enough, maybe just a touch of food poisoning for “that guy”. Yes the Sports Guru has a vivid imagination.

Let’s work on your wardrobe for Super Bowl Sunday. I am not encouraging you to run over to Dicks or the Sports Authority and plunk down $250 on the official game day jersey of the Steelers or Cardinals (you still remembered whose is playing the game, correct?). No, I just want you feel comfortable and fit in. Maybe a pair of jeans and a casual button down or even a college sweatshirt that might just be a tad small. No work clothes. No work shoes and nothing generic that says “football” or your kids’ t-ball team’s name on it. Look like you belong.

I know this is tough on you, but believe me; Pat and your sister-in-law steelersgirl2(she looks good in yellow and black, that’s the Steelers colors) will never look at you the same again. That’s a good thing. Now here is the really hard part. This will separate the Sports Nerds from the Sports Fans forever! What to bring to the party. You will never bring the vegetable dip in the bread bowl again. I bet you did not know this, but when you and Pat’s sister-in-law left at half-time of every Super Bowl party, your sister-in-law throws the bread bowl in the garbage as soon as the door closes behind you. Didn’t you figure it out that NOBODY ever ate the dip?

On Saturday morning (yes it will be very busy, think of it as a punishment for being “that guy” in years past) you will go to BJ’s, Sam’s Club, Costco etc, drive around the lot for twenty minutes looking for a spot (more punishment) get the biggest cart you can find and enter the store waving your membership card proudly. You will pass right by any item in the warehouse that is marked – SUGAR FREE, LOW FAT, DIET, LESS……, NO SALT or HEALTHY. You are looking for foods that will raise cholesterol readings by at least 50 points by Monday morning. And before I forget, never be “that guy” who brings St. Pauli’s Girl N.A. to any party. You will never be able to convince me that enough people in the room have elevated liver function readings to satisfy bringing Non-Alcoholic beer. Your looking for Chicken Wings, Meatballs in BBQ Sauce, 5lb bags of chips, quart size tubs of Salsa (hot of course, mild is for Sports Nerds), Salami and Olive Trays, 7 Layer Taco Dip, Pizza Rolls, Green Bean Fries, Cup Cakes, Cookie Trays and Caffeinated Soda. Throw in a box of Prilosec and if your really into leaving your Sports Nerd former self at the door a case of Miller Genuine Draft. I don’t care how much all this costs you. MY reputation as the Sports Guru is on the line here. Disappoint me now and you are doomed to be a Sports Nerd for the rest of your days on this earth.

Anyway on Monday morning you will so much cash in your pockets (remember Hank and the “magic” paper copy) this little spending spree will be long forgotten. On Friday in Part 3 of How to Survive Super Bowl Week, we will discuss the SBBP, Hank, the “magic paper copy and other ways to have a great time at the Party on Sunday, including staying until they hand out the Lombardi Trophy (I just had to add that). Until then……………

Your Friend in Sports,

Dave the Sports Guru